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need help recovering emotionally
Posted by: emarie
Date: 12/28/2006 7:46:10 PM
I was verbally abused and screwed around with (my teaching schedule, my travel arrangements, ,y personal mail gone through, my office gone nto when I was out) for two years. It's long over now. I gained some (a settlement and the admission of bad boss that I was the highest rates prof in the department, but "just don't have the precise qualifications I want for the job" (although I'd been adjuncting in the department for a decade before he arrived and three previous chairs thought I was great!). The fight is over. But my self esteem crashed, I am fearful of the workplace, my marriage is a hollow shell (my husband was SO unsupportive during this that we actually separated and only reconciled for the kids, which I did not know until AFTER he moved back in...I thought he was sincere about wanting to work on it). So now I have nowhere to turn, live in a tiny town with no other professional jobs and to get work would have to leave my daughters. I spent most of the holidays in bed, coming out for obligatory meals and gift opening, but seriously depressed, which my husband ignored. I have seen therapists. I am on meds. But I just feel damaged beyond repair. No job, no husband (present but not there if you get my jist). I REALLY need someone to tell me how to regain confidence and the strength to go on. I am trapped...can't leave until the girls are off to college...no work in this town (I have a Ph.D. and I have even applied for secretary positions, anything, but they all know in this tiny town I am overqualified and say I would get bored...but paying the bills is not boring...women need to feel like bread winners too. Did you know that when a man goes through this they say he feels "emasculated," but there is NO equivalent word in the English language for what a woman feels when her sense of feminine power is stripped, when she feels unable to provide for her family? We have the same needs, guys. It shames me that I am almost 50 and am not self supporting and can't provide for my kids. I NEED meaningful work to believe in myself, just like men. When my kids have to do without I feel so desperate and depressed. We will probably have to move from a house they love, Christmas was minimalist, and I just feel worthless.
| Reply from: |
hadenuff |
| Date: |
12/30/2006 2:52:00 AM |
| Reply: |
I'm so sorry for the isolation I hear in your post.
You have a LOT going on from your post. Demoralization in the marriage. Same in your career. And, finally, in your soul. No wonder you're feeling empty and done.
When I was in that place, there were so many suggestions that people gave me that all helped a little - prayer, finding faith, writing/journaling (this helped me a lot!), to 12-step groups.
On an immediate basis, what would make you feel better?
If it's focusing on how miserable and disenchanted you have become with your husband, focus on that and do it by writing about that. Then you will feel better a little and move onto something else.
When you're feeling down, there is nothing more important than nurturing yourself. Find ways to it! NURTURE YOUR SOUL. |
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| Reply from: |
emarie |
| Date: |
12/31/2006 1:13:00 PM |
| Reply: |
Thanks for the advice. I DO think I have to NOT focus on the fact that there is no work in this town and I must stay until my girls graduate; I have to NOT focus on the fact that my husband is the most emotionally avoidant person I have even known or even known of (when his mother was dying of cancer he went from October to May refusing to visit..."too busy" "I want to remember how she was" but she really was not in bad shape until the last month, was in her own home doing fine...he just could not handle emotions). You are right that on so many fronts I have been invalidated recently (when my husband is not avoiding me he is rolling his eyes when I talk, or ignoring me when I try to approach him). Since I am a writer, journaling, while often recommended, is too much like work to be a release for me. I read...A LOT! And I am going to start exercising and keeping music going the whole time my husband and kids are at school and singing along. And I have just started a dog walking business, so that will help some (not a huge market for it here but we'll see). I just feel so damaged by everything that I fear I won't be able to function in the workplace or trust another man again. |
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| Reply from: |
hadenuff |
| Date: |
1/2/2007 12:57:00 AM |
| Reply: |
That is sooooo great to hear about the dog walking business! Good for you, emarie! |
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| Reply from: |
kittykill |
| Date: |
1/2/2007 10:30:00 PM |
| Reply: |
Good luck with the dog walking business. I have always wanted to do that. It sounds like so much fun. |
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| Reply from: |
rockiskwerl |
| Date: |
1/7/2007 9:31:00 PM |
| Reply: |
It infuriates me whenever I hear people say, "Just stop focusing on your problems, and get over it.." Sometimes, posting on the Net is therapeutic or even talking about it.
This type of forum, IMHO, just might prevent someone from 'going postal' on the job. It is just a matter time, people are going to snap and do something drastic. Just telling people to take a pill, talk to Jesus and pray isn't enough.
The most hated phrase of mine is, "Be glad you have a job". I'm glad to have a boyfriend but he isn't verbally and psychically abusing me like some of these bosses! |
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| Reply from: |
Karra |
| Date: |
1/8/2007 11:25:00 AM |
| Reply: |
It infuriates you because telling you to get over it trivializes and dismisses what you're going through. You feel invalidated and end up seething inside. There is an underlying hint below the words, that it's all your problem. Not very helpful - and how insulting! That there is some truth to this makes it more infuriating. It is possible to just get over it but I don't think most of us here want to get over it. What we want is the unfairness addressed. Not everyone cares that much! Some people have thicker skins and are able to shrug such work antics off and continue on their merry way. What I've noticed from personal experience is that it's the driven, talented and sensitive individuals who have very thigh expectations and end up getting disappointed again and again. It really is better to work at getting over it than hunt for the perfect work enivronment populated with perfect people - which just doesn't exist. |
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| Reply from: |
rockiskwerl |
| Date: |
1/13/2007 2:14:00 AM |
| Reply: |
While I respect your views, I do not think that you can speak for others. I've read some of your advice, while most are sound and succinct, some of your remarks are rather insensitive and inappropriate. You may not care so much, but others do. I agree with you on getting over it, but in MY case, I live in Detroit. The finances do not provide means to just quit. True, there aren't any perfect work environments. However, people DESERVE to be treated fairly, whether you give a hoot or no. But thank you for responding, Karra! |
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| Reply from: |
Karra |
| Date: |
1/14/2007 11:53:00 AM |
| Reply: |
I wrote the first several sentences in the second person but was really describing how I felt and my own experiences, with the suggestion it might be how you felt. I wasn't speaking for you. It's just a writing technique. Guess it didn't work out so good!
I realize I may sound insensitive to some. I just don't believe in taking life too seriously. That helps ME cope. The approach works for me. It may or may not work for others. And some situations may be simply intolerable. Workplace abuse is not black and white - it's a whole lot of shades of grey (my opinion of course). Currently, at my place of work, the same guy who stands inappropriately close at every opportunity, and picks his nose over my cubicle wall & flicks, and openly undermines my work, thinks we're buds. THAT's coping. This is a guy who doesn't respect boundaries and could have easily got under my skin if I let him. I would prefer not to deal with him but at the moment that's not an option. As his undermining is not impacting my work, it's easier to just manage him. I don't think getting over it should ever be taken to mean dismissing the problem, just managing it differently, so it doesn't impact every second of life outside of work. |
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| Reply from: |
Karra |
| Date: |
1/14/2007 12:21:00 PM |
| Reply: |
Rockiskwerl, regarding your comment that some of my remarks were inappropriate, please feel free to elaborate. I am not attacking your statement, but I AM curious. I haven't engaged in personal attacks, foul language or irrelevant topics. What else in your opinion qualifies as inappropriate? This forum is a microcosm of the "real" world, reflecting our different experiences and opinions. I don't think it would be as helpful if only certain opinions were allowed. Keeping it open really highlights how differently we all see things. Sometimes seeing a different perspective can not only help make an intolerable situation seem not so bad - but can also validate that it really is as bad as it seems. |
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| Reply from: |
Karra |
| Date: |
1/14/2007 12:49:00 PM |
| Reply: |
And finally, I agree with you that people deserve to be treated fairly. But they aren't always. If your bosses are abusive is it an option to request a transfer or fight back? I did both. I confronted my boss, was completely insubordiante, and finally requested a transfer. At this point I was job hunting and preparing to be terminated (quitting would have meant less money - and money was an issue for me too). Instead, I got the transfer. I still see the individuals I worked with formerly and we're all very civil. Friendly even. As tempting as it was, I avoided engaging in any personal attacks against my boss during the confrontations, either to his face or behind his back to his peers. It's never never a good idea to make personal attacks. Unless you win the lotto. ;) Anyway, all the best in your work situation. |
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