How To Deal With A Narcissistic Boss
"My boss is the most self-centered SOB I’ve ever met. Do you have any tips on how to survive a boss who has an ego the size of the Sears Tower?"
Date: 5/28/2006 2:53:00 AM
It all depends. Ask yourself the following questions. Does he or she consistently exhibit immoral and unethical behavior? Does he or she delight in other’s misery? Does he or she, with very little effort, manipulate situations? Does he or she frequently change doctrines, “flip-flop”? If you answered yes to any number of these, you are dealing probably dealing with a Narcissist. These people are unpleasant to deal with and don’t value you. If you can handle this and furthermore, are willing to play their game and supply them what they crave, great! However…..Don’t complain, don’t expect them to act ethically, don’t…… If you can reconcile their bad behavior, minimize your participation, use them (they are the tool) and are seriously willing to put A LOT of effort in to constantly being in their favor and predicting what they want “Just Do It”….. Just remember…it has to be enough that you know they are really the “Tool”…if you can play the game never reveal your “hand” or “secrets”…..don’t share this with anyone…..
Oh.....and get used to feeling crazy...!
I worked for the "worst-of-the-worst".....my advice....QUIT!...
Date: 8/16/2007 9:31:00 PM
I took this job with this narcissistic boss just because I needed the money, benefits, and wanted to work closer to home. However, her behaviors are that she is often trying to intimidate me, loves to shut me down, and as soon as she finds out that something might bother me, she makes sure it happens. Can you explain using her as the tool?
Date: 9/24/2007 1:16:00 PM
But what if your personnly involed becasue the boss/narcissist is your family?
Date: 2/26/2008 11:09:00 PM
I have never dealt with a narcissistic boss. Mine is always about "him" and never compliments me. I do half of his job, only because he is not capable of doing it, but he "throws me under the bus'' when ever he can. He always has to come out on top.
Date: 6/10/2008 2:34:00 PM
My boss is not only a narcissist but sexist as hell too, every time I've tried to exert my own opinion (as a PROFESSIONAL, you know, what he HIRED me for??) he shuts me down. If I stand firm, he calls me a hormonal female. I've tried everything in the book to deal with him, but honestly I think people like this are just going to live in their own little world no matter what you do. My advice is to get away-no job is worth sacrificing your self respect. And isn't that the core of what a narcissist wants? They want you to feel as little as possible, because just like that bully in the third grade, it makes them feel bigger. Unless you're extremely self-confident, it's better to distance yourself from these emotional vampires.
Date: 7/20/2008 12:08:00 PM
I have worked with one for 7 years now and am just now realizing the title to his illness. my only way to stay at this good paying job is to research on how to pychologically deal with him to where he does not know what I am doing and hopefully still keep my self worth.
I am surprised that I have lasted this long due to me being very sensitive myself. It must be a real art to play their game but I am going to check it out and see if I can for once come out on top. I feel as though I have experienced a bad marriage. I truly believe that this person has taken days (maybe years) off of my life.
Date: 9/15/2008 3:31:00 PM
Dear "7 years now"(above),
You will not win. You will never win against them. I lost over 10 years of my life to one. We... people who are intelligent and normal do not have to tools to play at their games.
Take a serious look at what you have going for you in your personal life and aim your energy there. It will feel easier to make an educated decision to give up rather than to be beaten in a game you have no chance to win. Feel proud that you figured out the name of the illness. Keeping your self worth is the most important thing for you. Count your cards and leave the table.
Date: 9/22/2008 12:01:00 AM
I think the workforce is full of these people in management roles as the rest of us keep jumping and these guys and gals ham it up to their bosses. I think most staff just take years, longer or never figure it out.
Date: 10/12/2008 3:11:00 PM
I don't think you can come out ahead. The head of the agency where I work is very much a narcissist. He lies, he is arrogant (and has no reason to be), he kissed up to those in power, and he never, ever takes responsibility for his decisions. It's always someone else's fault. He initially seems friendly, but he gets real nasty real quick if things don't go his way or he suffers some slight.
Thing is, even one of the people who was on his good side ultimately wound up screwed by him.
Date: 10/25/2008 8:42:00 PM
Researching online tonight I just realized/learned that I am dealing with a narcissistic boss. I went from being happy with my job to requesting a transfer this week. I have always had stellar evaluations, now I am afraid how his actions/beliefs might impact them. He purposely likes to try and pit staff against each other and takes delight in telling you what he thinks your problems are. What makes it very difficult is I work in a system where I have very little support and he is a man who is intimidating by looks alone. I am going to take the strategy of not engaging in any discussions with him, and not showing any emotion when he hurls his insults.
Date: 10/26/2008 9:49:00 PM
Take advantage of any training programs that you can use to get another job. Focus your energy on completing it. Then quit!
Working there for a prolonged period of time is hazardous to your health.
Date: 11/8/2008 10:49:00 AM
I am resigning from my job.I make really good money,love my customers and think of most of my co-workers as family,but I no longer can take her abuse.I live in a state where the economy is absolutely trashed and the job market is almost non existent.But she has taken my holidays away from my family because of her unfair scheduling and this year is the last straw.Wish me luck
Date: 11/19/2008 5:10:00 PM
i worked with a pathological narcissist. unfortunately, i ended up in a direct work relationship with and you can not play or ignore their "games." advice to all in a situation like this find a new job, new boy/girlfriend, whatever might be, b/c in the end you will lose especially when new people come into play and they think the narcissist is the most special thing ever, to the extent they think everyone else is wrong when other people communicate unsure feelings or negative comments about the person. narcissists are very smooth talkers and add a little intelligence to that you have a very scary formula. don't think you have time in a situation like this...MOVE FAST! please know most people have some narcistic traits so decipher from normal to NPD. i wonder if i met one of satan's earth workers b/c there was not humanity in the soul of this person even if on the outside the person seemed wonderful until you learn different which could take months/years.
Date: 11/30/2008 8:28:00 PM
My boss is leaving in 20 months. How do I get by until then? I am trying to ignore her but we still have to work together. I care very much about my job and am worried that she is going to destroy the whole organization on her way out.
Date: 12/5/2008 5:17:00 PM
One thing I do which helps is email the boss as much as possible rather then talk to them directly, that way they usually cut out the ego-destroying chatter and respond more emotionless plus you don't have to listen to them laughing at everything you say like they know so much more than you or look at them while they smile at you condescendingly.
Date: 12/5/2008 11:16:00 PM
Another thing you can do is if your boss is inconsistent so "you're always doing the wrong thing", is write down what you think they want, read it to them and have them approve it, and then date it. Don't let them say-you should know what to do-just say what I did-"Well, obviously not or you wouldn't have said anything." Have them be as specific as possible-don't let them be vague if you can help it.
Date: 1/5/2009 7:05:00 AM
Be prepared to look for another job if you cannot agree with your narcissistic boss. Remember, the company is betting on his vision of the future — not yours.
Here are a few tips on how to survive in the short term:
Empathize with your boss’s feelings, but don’t expect any reciprocal empathy. Look elsewhere to boost your self-esteem. Be cautious if he asks for an honest evaluation. What he wants is information that will help him solve an image problem. He will resent any honesty that threatens his inflated self-image, and he is likely to retaliate.
Give your boss ideas, but always let him take credit for them. Find out what he thinks before presenting your views. If he is wrong, show how a different approach would be in his best interest.
Hone your management skills. Narcissistic leaders often give subordinates many more orders than can possibly be executed. Ignore requests that don’t make sense. Forget about them. He will, too.
Date: 3/12/2010 1:42:00 PM
I have been working for a narcissistic
boss for 3 yrs. I knew something was not right about her, but now I realize what it is. She has temper tantrums at work (of course when the big boss is gone). She makes you feel like she really cares about you, but the minute you turn your back, she talks trash about you. She sits about 10 ft in front of me & I have absolutely no privacy. She manipulates situations and turns them around to make it your fault. She has a major drinking problem and comes in reaking of booze just about every day, but is very knowledgable and does her job well, but is a horrible manager. The money is really good, but my husband is tired of the abuse that I get at work. Any suggestions on what I should do? I am exhausted!
Date: 12/24/2010 9:50:00 PM
I have been working for a narcissistic boss for 5 years. He is a monster. His favorite pass time is making us sit in his office one at a time and telling us how powerful he is. He belittles the employees on a continuous basis and then tells everyone what a big heart he has. If you stand up to him when he throws out his humiliating comments in front of the office team, he goes into a rage and tells you what a insignificant human you are. Everyone takes it, plays the game, sucks up to his ego because they need a job. It is sick. I am getting another degree to get out of there. But this I have learned, you can't win. You can't talk to him about how he humiliates you and you have to smile and thank him profusely when he proudly passes out the pay checks on pay day.
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